fantasy

lets see...i planned many things to type down when i got the time, and for some reason ill i can think of is one thing and one thing only. oh well, ill try my best.

work with john and jason on saturday. its actually not that bad with them, but still hard work. ZOSDON > MEMBERS ONLY and jason, i didnt get your jacket yet.

anyway, john is continuing to work for us. every day till christmas. making bannnkkkk and he is really good at it to. having fun too wow.

ok elite. middle finger to elite. blablabla waste of winter blablabla...

alright.

hahahahaa....

many things happened today. i swear i didnt plan on it. but am i glad i went today. we...

.

.

.

it was...so much better than i imagined.

im sorry for...yah. i didnt know, i didnt want to stop.

who knew, one day, it would be like this? this will be the last of this kind. everything else will stay inside.

choices

boy, some stuff happened today. lets get to it.

Well, apparently, a rat in whs, (tiffany yeh) snitched and basically got a lot of people into some interrogations. Robin was called in. and Ms. Park started spewing false accusations forced-fed to her by her boss, (Ms. Hager) prolly in the fear of losing her income to support her baby, and called up my mom. And made her cry. and so did my dad too. and you know what the kicker is? Park later confessed to lying.

This proves this institution of WHS is fucked up. It is a known fact that staff members talk shit about students, and in a small scale school like this, information has a more profound effect and spreads in a rapid pace.

They're minds, so conservative. And hypocritical. And disrespectful. Being the number 3 school in the nation apparently gives them the right to cop a haughty attitude.

Anyways, I got pretty fucking mad. At the peak, i said id punch her goddam baby in the stomach. Make my mother cry? Ill watch you die. As for my brother, I have nothing to say but the facts in my head, and the opinions that i hold. Hes old enough to make his own decisions.

NEXT. I am so. goddam. glad. that i realized. that she was absolutely NOT for me. at all. I dodged a bullet. Hell, i dodged a missile. To think that i wasted a whole YEAR holding a crush. FML. I extremely regret the waste of my life. UGH. No wonder shes still friends with a psycho with control issues and a violent inside. As for her? Ive never seen a more two-faced fake in my life. adsiofjaodfsijadsofijadsofijaodifjaodifj GODDAM IT I FUCKING WASTED MY LIFE. WHYWHYWHY WAS I SO GODDAM STUPID UGHHHHHHHHH.

_________________________________________________________________

This next one deserves a line^. I wanted this post to end on a good note so...yes i asked today. lets take a trip on the journey here:

For weeks I kept silent about this to all my friends. ALL. absolutely no one knew that i was going to ask, when i was going to ask, who i was going to ask, and if i was going at all. Why? Hah. I decided i dont need anybody else except for myself and Hanna. Who needs the publicity? attention? Her response was the only thing important to me.

Basically, i took the cow cuz i didnt want to ask my friends to drop me off at the florist and have them know. I wanted to keep it a secret. I went to the florist, asked for the roses, and though they had all these colors, i asked for all red. Then i had to write a card. I really didnt know what to write. Brought them to my house, fast forward, brought them early to school. I cleared out my locker completely the day before to make sure id have room. It fit. then the waiting game.

Once snack let out, after most students wouldve settled down, I walked to the student store, passing by the tree to make sure she was there. So i went straight to my locker, got them, walked all the way around. When i got there...she wasnt there. "...Where did she go?"

I kinda scratched my head and stood there for a little. Then she walked out, and i had planned on how id approach and what id say and how id stand and how my voice would be but all of that went down to hell. I just said what i just had been thinking, and yes the question was asked and she said yes. Took some pictures.

As for the full story/rest of the details...not today.

I walked back to my table. And i couldn't stop smiling for some reason.

And no matter what shit might have happened today, I just cannot help but being in a good mood. Oh well. I'm not complaining.

Choices. You can only hope that the things you decide upon turn out in your favor. It just so happens, that at least today, it did turn out in my favor.

I got work tomorrow with john and jason, haha lets see how it turns out.

Today world, I am sleeping a happy man.

hot and cold

Talked to many people, shared opinions, listened to more formal stories. Took note.

Shhhhhhh.........................................................................................................

Conviction.

Revelation.

And a little bit of recklessness.

________________________________________________________________

Music. "Just lose it."

Its gone

I came all this way, anticipated so much, only to come and see that I have nothing returned back to me. And who's fault? Obviously mine.

And to think at some point in time, I was so sure, so excited to think what would happen next.

Once again, I fell into being naive and hopeful yet again. Every time I tell myself to do different, and every time I can't help myself.

I just wish their was a sign, a green light, any kind of indication, any confirmation for what I was doing. Didn't come, or too obscure for me to notice.

Now? Time's running out. And my guess is it'll never come. Wishful thinking at best. Now I just gotta prepare not to expect it.

Sigh, what to do? I have to revert back, and start talking and getting interested in other sources. Hopefully that'll come sooner or later.

Whatever, maybe it's not meant to be, in fear of sounding a bit cliche.

If only there was a sign, but to be honest with myself, have I ever gotten it? No, so I guess I shouldn't expect it.

What to do? Not go at all? Nah, I'll ask some friend of a friend or something in my grade. I saved the cash, I'll just dump it wherever. I just don't care anymore.

Haha, I guess this is back to "I-don't-give-a-fuck" Aaron. And this time, they'res no backside to that. It'll all be in true honesty.

"Is it too much to ask?"....I guess so.

first drivng

today, i took my first driving lesson. and this is my 4th month with a permit LOL. driving is pretty fun, its exactly like a videogame.

I WANT A CAR I WANT A LANCER EVO I WANNA BLOW PEOPLE OUT THE WATER

GRAHHHH I WANT A CAR TO GO OUT BY MYSELF AND TAKE PEOPLE PLACES

meep

one of my very close friends, you know who, i hope that you can keep your head up. I would try to say more and help more in this situation, but what can i say? i cannot be pretentious enough to claim how i know you feel, nor can i muster some kind of wise philosophical advice.

for all its worth, keep your head up, because your an attractive person with a magnetic personality, and there is no doubt in my mind you'll be able to continue the relationship, or find someone else. and plus, girls find it more appealing when your up and charismatic. maybe not now, but in time i hope you get it back.

_____________________________________________________________________

to say the least, life is moving for me.

lets let life continue in its pace. i don't believe in set destiny, and most people will agree with me. its something thats universally upheld especially here in America.

the mindset is, whatever life brings, make sure its something you've had a part it, and don't let it blindside you. and as for the inevitable unexpected? we just gotta face it with a raised chin, smirk on the face, and a "bring-it-on" attitude. and as for the things we cannot control, ask yourself, "What can I do?...nothing." No use brooding over stuff that has already happened, but sometimes we can't help ourselves right? If anything, make sure its temporary.

conviction

Hm...why I'm going to talk about my day. NO MATTER HOW MEDIOCRE.

Fierro, took test. CLS, did some easy shit. Bitches once again complaining about quiz dates. I honestly don't care when it is, hell I could've had it today. Blegh whatever, not like I care enough to do anything.

Then snack blablabla then APUSH. some lecture. then Physics. Angeline was absent today and there was a huge space between Madeline and me LOL

Sorry, I am the worst at explaining stuff in physics, because I don't usually write my work down. I do a lot in my head, and my work ends up being broken up chicken scratch. But yahhhh sorry about how my explanations are vague and usually ends with "thats just how it is."

and TOO MANY PEOPLE DISTRACT THE CLASS. LETS LEARN SOME PHYSICS AND STOP TALKING ABOUT RANDOM CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6th period AP Lang. me and chad donated blood yesterday, so we didnt do the multiple choice thing, so i sat for most of class doodling and listening to music. Good times.

Thennnnnnnnn the fucking exercise. today was fucking hard. Today was the first time i started to audibly grunt as i ran the 2nd mile holy SHIT. so goddam tired out. prolly cuz of the blood donation. it said it would take 5 weeks to get back to normal blood count.

Then, afterschool, went to A&W again, ate, went to timos for some studying stuff. LOL yah i slept in the car and at the house. matt gave me a ride home.




we talked about formal again. once again, i told them i just dont know who the fuck to ask. i throw up the middle finger i aint thinkin about it, i dont care. at least, thats what i said.

ONE MORE

So I said GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
If you're wonderin', if I want you to...
I want you to.
So make a move.
Cuz I AINT GOT ALL NIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

GOOOOOOOOOOO
If you're wonderin', if i want you to...
I want you to...
I swear it's true.
Without you...my heart is blue~

change.

I've really gone down the wrong path. Too much, too much bitching. All for what? Absolutely nothing. This will be a change, of sorts.

I've worried, bitched over, all internally, about what to do. Not only that, why, how, and what would happen in the end. You know what I realized? It's because somewhere deep inside, I wanted to experience something I never have before, and I wanted it so much, that sometimes, I convinced myself that I actually would. That it was plausible and in reach. What blindness.

I overreached my boundaries, reached too far, and in the process overinflating my ego so I failed to recognize that I was doing those things. And now that its clear what reality looks like, I didn't like it. It made me feel a loss, deep and hurting. I can't believe it. I promised myself that it wouldn't come to this, but in advertantly, in spite of myself, it happened.

But the words above, is just a temporary phase of emotions. I'm sure I'll feel different the very next morning. So I'm going to make a promise today.

Message to you Aaron:

Aaron. Despite what happens, already happened, and what will happen, you just have to do it. Strip this of any hopes you have, things you want to happen, just forget it all. Because, your in so deep now, that even if you know nothing will go in anyway you wanted it to go, and in fact, that opposite might happen, you just have to do it now. Deep inside, you know you can't help it anymore. Even if it kills you, breaks your heart. If anything, let this be the last. Just do this, and then, even if you can't let go, at least make it the end.

_____________________________________________________________
So that's the promise. I'm going to do it. And not only that, I'm going to make it good. Go all out. It's the time to do everything, say everything, let everything be known. And then, even go as far as to...I can't express it here. And the danger is, by doing this, I'm setting myself up for pain that I've never felt before. But, haha, I've decided. I don't care. I've now stripped it of any of my hopes and wants. Whether I even get anything back, I don't care. It'll kill me, but oh well, if it happens.

This year was a year of changes. I might never get this situation ever again. So lets do it.

blood donation

I'm gunna write two posts today, one about todays events, and another post that i need to assert somethings to myself. here it goes.

So, i fucked up band auditions haha. whatever...
After, I went to the gym for the blood drive. We got our numbers, went into the booth to add my information, pricked my finger for an iron test, and went to the table to finally donate the blood. I chose my left arm, and the iodine rub tickled like CRAZY HAHA. then finally, they inserted the needle (which kinda stung) and the blood came pouring out. wooohoooooooooooo

i felt the tube, and it was fucking warm haha. then the took it out, had to lay down for a little, then walked over the the refreshment table. they gave me everything i needed HAHA drinks and snacks. gave me stickers and a shirt coooollllllllll.

time for the next post.

fuck ALL of you

yes, just like everyone else, I am indeed having an emotional time and I can feel a lot of pressure and stress, more now than ever.

But I know for a fact that I'll make it through. I've already gone through TOO much shit, took too much bullshit, dried too many tears, yelled through too many hard situations, talked to myself during extremely hard times too often to fucking give up now.

What the FUCK is wrong with me? For some reason, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. Like this might be it. That I might, after all these years, just fucking give up. Hell fucking no. This can't happen. At all.

I need to reassure myself. ALL I NEED IS MYSELF AND MY OWN CONVICTION. THAT'S IT.

I know, your supposed to depend on family and friends and girlfriends and all that. That's true. But what about the deep shit? The shit you can never tell anyone? Never even mention? Even have to lie to gloss over it? NO ONE CAN HELP, WILL HELP. So Aaron, time to shut the fuck up. There's no fucking break for you. Life has always been a challenge, what do you think will change now? You don't even deserve rest. You haven't done shit with your life. Unless you reach the very top of this world, you cannot rest. Success is the only option to you. Any other path leads to death. No point in living without a goal.

Nothing for you. No substances to relieve shit. You can't have it. No matter how much you want to, how many friends, your not getting shit. Too fucking bad for you.

Why? What you have right now, its not good enough. You always try so goddam hard, but its not ENOUGH. Only option is to keep always trying your best, no matter how futile it'll be.

Let other bitches fail and get swept under the unrelenting machine called Life. But you, you have to survive. You must. Never pause, for even one moment, or you'll get swept under too. You gotta stay on top. No choice.

_____________________________________________________________
I want a break. I want a pillow. I just wanna rest my head a little. But no, I haven't deserved it, so I won't. I don't think i ever will. So what? I'm strong enough. I mean, I always have been. What's changed now?

bloop

mhm ima start putting stuff on my other blog haha use it more.

theres things i wanna say, would say, but for reasons i cannot flesh out, i wont. one of them being the inability to express the feelings and thoughts.

i wanna see an eclipse.

holidays coming. fun times coming soon i hope.

and at nights the urges get really bad. but not those. others. not physical. if i said i had different sides, one of them would apply here. late night brings it out.

sighh~~~

stargirl

that book always is fun to read. and i always go through the emotional extremities, even though i know whats going to happen. never let go, never let go~ at least that's what i think every time.

___________________________________________________________

"let people hate, judge, ridicule. to say it doesnt bother me is to speak a lie. but i realized in the end, as long as you were happy, I was okay."

^floatin in my head all day. life of the daydreamer.

time to write in a brighter mood

i shall not go there today adsiofjadfsijo!

everyone says the inner beauty is the only thing that counts. i call bullshit. i say its the most important thing, not the only thing. something that i think jessica said: no matter how much you can say your attracted to the personality and the inside, guys seem only to find that in the physically attractive ones?? and im no exception?? reason: we are men. even socrates wanted some ass. so, today, im going to admire the finer points of the woman's anatomy.

you know, i always knew myself to be a hips man. i mean, sure im attracted to the some details of the whole, but emphasis is put on the lower body. wtf is this legit talk ima talk like a man

honestly, its like if you got breasts thats very nice, but no ass? gtfo. HOWEVER if you had ass but no breast? i shall live. like i guess i like the details of other parts, but in the very end, the ass is the priority. man i know like...this k-pop star has like a 22 inch waist. holy FUCK. thats...no. not for me. i wouldnt even know the ideal waist size, but it has to be...whats the adjective...substantial. like...thats the one thing that can change me from relative unexpressiveness to absolute craziness. adsiofsajoaiooadsifjosidfjoosjdoadjfoadsjfioajfiojaodfjoadsfioadjfoij UGH OMFG AAIJOASJOOAJOAOASJOADFSIJOASJOASJOADS YESSESSSSSSSYESSSYEYSYEYESYESSYESEYERSYSEYSEYSEYSEYSEYSSSSSEEYEEYSSSEYES KEEP MOVINGGGGGGG SIDE TO SIDE FFUFUCJCKFUCKFUCKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFIOFIOAJOAFSASIJOSISOSOS IM GOING FUCKING INSANEN ENENENENENENENDENENENNENENENEN

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK AND I CANT EVEN FUCKING DO SHIT ABOUT IT CUZ OF SOME MUTHERFUCKING BET MUTHERFUCK ALL YOU GODDAM BITCHES AND YOUR GODDAM MONEY I DONT GIVE A FUCKKFKIFKFKK I CANT TAKE IT I WONT LAST FUCK1!!!!!!!!!


sjloadsjloadsfjloadsfiloadsfioadsfjadsiofjasidfjoadfjioasdfj shit three months i cant believe myself fml.


but i promised. oh fucking well.

zune=cool

i love my zune. so cool. hmm i forgot what i was thinking about....oh i remember.

this really doesnt have to do with anything personal. just gotta right down some of my wonderin's.
is it really possible to be just friends, after an especially deep relationship? just the fact that youve been there, done that, its like...something would change. in a permanent way. now youve become attached in a physical and an emotional level, fusing together to become just pure attraction. once those cables are linked, now, you dont WANT them, you NEED them. suddenly, this one person has become an irrevocably huge part of your life.

and if it breaks off, then...they take a part of you with them. its never a clean break after a truly deep relationship. sure, the degree and severity of the break-up can vary, whether they had a rough ending or just fell apart or grew apart, you end up weaker than you first started with.

but, you would learn from it. everything that you guys have done together didnt go to waste, because it becomes a part of your life experience. to use an analogy, as i said before, you end up weaker than you first started. but, like broken muscle tissue, once it heals, itll become bigger and stronger. eventually, youll get over the pain, and become a better, wiser person because of it.

but youll never forget, not if it was truly something meaningful. from the very first day you noticed that certain something about that person, to the initial awkward start, to getting friendlier, to the very beginnings of emotional connections. one by one, the pieces started to click, and eventually became something to each other that no one could replace, at least at the time. at least, i would hope i would never forget.

whats the point? the message is basically...to have loved and lost is better to have not loved at all. no matter what the pain in the end, if it comes, you will never forget the feelings, the emotions, the laughter, the touch, the kiss, the first time. and all the little things and quirks in between.

cuz if you know the end is inevitable, it makes you a bit reluctant to go in. what if you dont come out the same? making reference to the beginning of this blog, what if you just cant be friends again?

well, to me at least, i think its worth it. i think its worth the closeness, the exciting journey that you can experience, the opportunity to do things youve never done before.

whatever the end, ill never forget the beginning. ill never forget what i felt, what i did. keep the prospect of permanence out of it. enjoy what you have at the moment. and if the situation is all right, and your both ready, dont drop the oppotunity, dont let it go. one day, i feel that ill regret it if i don't.

fuck the consequences of holding those hands, holding each other close. if everything that i do will make it that much more painful in the end, oh well. if its for love, its worth it.

i guess today is a triple post day

"theres no one to talk to when i need it most. funny how that happens. i have to deal with it, but i dont wanna. cuz its hurts inside. but what can i do?"
-thats what i put up on my aim info.

to add to that: aaron. shut up. youve been through worse before. actually you havent. this is getting to another level. but hell. youve always survived. and by yourself too. theres no need to break down now. you dont need a shoulder, you dont need a pillow to rest on, you dont need any of that. stand up straight. like you always have. steady your voice, chin up. look at the opposition straight in the eye, and smirk. and whatever it takes, pull through. cuz youve never needed anyone else, and whats to change now? cuz for this, no one CAN help. so dont bother them with your bullshit. dont even hint at it. dont even go there. youve broken down once, hard. and a second time, slightly. lets not make it a third time yah?

done.

we told them finally. haha. you know, i honestly thought it would only last like a couple days. but it dragged onnnnnn haha and almost a little too far. it was funny while it lasted tho.

yah it was fun.

playplayplay

i realized i didnt mention the fall play at all in my blogs LOL but yah i was in it. fun stuff.

if i learned anything, i learned that in acting, its not enough to understand what emotion to portray. you have to have felt that emotion before to truly understand it. and its not as black and white as anger and happiness. its the subtle gray areas, slight difference that make a christmas-morning happy and a having-the-last-slice happy different. in other words, to truly pull off a convincing act, you must have had the same exact feelings before. how true is that.

nananana~

recently i talked with matt, robert, and john. we all know what its like to get our asses beat HAHA fun shit talking about it. i realized that, no matter what the severity of your home life and whatnot is, you cant say youve suffered more than others. cuz see, the feelings are the same. the same pit of the stomach feeling. we all feel sadness, pain, misery, anger.

i wont get into this blabla moving on

i realized it pisses me off when girls dont eat. just cuz....guess it....they are fat.
jesus christ. like...it used to worry me, but now its just im mad. you dont even know how to take care of yourself. you refuse to. all for the fucking reason that youll gain weight. its incomprehensible how infinitesimal of a shit i give about that. just fucking eat. just eat. no goddam excuse.

______________________________________________________________________
btw i really cant remember much about that convo. i kinda vaguely remember the basic things, but i cannot recall anything specific i said or i heard. i can just recall some of the emotions.

i am trippin out.

thanksgiving

went to my uncles house this morning for thanksgiving breakfast haha. slept for 4 hours, then ate thanksgiving lunch there too LOL and came back. good times.

i dont meet my cousins much but seriously after looking at the old photos on there walls...
weve been together for a long time now. were all first generation kids you know. whatever we do, make of ourselves, will establish our family in america.

played with my lil nephew today. 2 years old joseph haha. im not that good with kids but seems like i started to have more fun as i got sleepier -_- wtf.

saved up enough money for my zune hd. getting it tomorrow.

what im thankful for? ill just name one thing. friends. my friends. thank you all. they say blood runs thicker than water, then i say my friends are my blood too. my brothers.

cuz see, i know family comes first, but if i cant always you know...go to my parents for solace you know. then i look forward to school and seeing my friends. its always either a laugh, deep talk, or just a nod.

ive never ever had a single best friend. theres always been too many. ups and downs, whatever you guys do, the friendship can never be easily broken. you guys all have problems and stress these days, and ill make do like you and keep strong for your sake.

yet another round of griping.

godam im not done. this will be quick i promise.

sometimes i feel like im doing sumthing wrong. what the hell am i thinking, i am doing something wrong. for a while, i was naive enough to think its all for the sake of teasing, playing, and good nature. but i realized the extent of your reactions is too severe for just a simple frustration problem.

im gunna back off.

hypocrisy, even me.

im gunna just start by saying that i dont appreciate people who claim that their problems are in someway bigger than others and therefore more important. see its all relative, and we all feel the same stress and depression despite the actual situation itself. this post is to purely type down my feelings while they are fresh, and if it ever sounds like its implying that im suffering more than others, you can go ahead and judge me. i would do the same and i wont stop you, and i only do this becuz it is simply my blog.

I have this big thing with morals. and not in that sense, no, not that uptight red-ribbon-week crap bullshit. i have a big thing with choosing my own morals. things like common courtesy. ive already made it clear that i dont find anything wrong with MDMA or THC consumption, nor nicotine addiction, or blablabla. its called life. thats what people do. it doesnt make them any less of a person. its almost in line with racism. hate people for the truly faggot things they do.

im not going explain in detail what happened. i was going to, but i realized...i just goddam dont want to.

you break down every part of my life. in that moment, you systematically destroy everything that holds me up as a man. you never cease to attack every part of me, and if i argue back, you hurt me that much more. all your left with in the end is a crying little boy. you make me feel like the way i talk in school, the way i walk in school, they way i talk to my friends, the way i do the things i do, the thoughts i form, the things i say...you make it all seem...so stupid. so pointless. so immature and pretentious. you make myself look at my life and shudder at my stupidity, my weakness. all the self-conscious feelings i hold inside gets out in the open. theres no swagger, no strut anymore. theres no family, no friends to help, to hold me up. and because you damaged me, even i cant hold myself up. i fall, then the tears follow. it flows and i grit my teeth to stop. i tell myself to stop, but i cant even stand to be around myself anymore. the fact that i, as a person, exists, makes me miserable. it goes on.

not only there. it doesnt stop there. if only you did. you then start to attack at the people around me. my mom. my brother. my friends. and this is when it kills me. see, cuz id try to defend them, but youve already thoroughly broken me. i can only listen as the people i know get slandered and attacked. and i hate myself so much then, knowing that im not doing anything. that i cant. and even though i CANT, i still...i still feel...so...weak.

the reason why is...somewhere out there. theres always another person with bigger problems, and bigger things to deal with. and outta them, there are the people that rise above those problems, stand strong, and overcome them. but im sorry, but right now, im not one of them. im not as strong as them. ever goddam time this happens, i promise to myself "next time, im standing strong. im going to hold up" yet it doesnt happen. i try so hard, but it just breaks, and the pain is that much worse, knowing that ive tried so much harder and ive failed again.

i feel so weak because theres people out there with so much worse shit in their lives then mine, and while they are just so strong and overcome them, im stuck here typing out some bullshit on blogspot. this is so fucking pathetic. god fucking dammit...

today i found the brightest star again. and my wish? i wish that one day, one day, that i can be as strong as those people, and rise and overcome this. i have to be. theres no other option. cuz hell, ive heard of people in so much worse situations on TV and the web. they overcame it. and hell, why cant i too?

as always, i have to suck it up, i have to quit bitching. i have to stop typing out this shit on blogs, and i gotta stop complaining to people. its unflattering and frankly it doesnt help anyone.

but just..for now at least, its helping me keep my head. helping me get through this. i know i shouldnt, but goddam it i just want a tiny ounce of peace. please. thats all i ask for. just a little relief. dealing with shit head on, and sucking it all up...im afraid to admit it, but its wearing me out. i have to last, but...i dont know. maybe trying to get a little temporary reprieve is being a hypocritical, but fine. i dont care. sometimes, i need a break. just a tiny bit.

thefollowingisallfake

its hurts to not say anything. i dont think anything really has this kind of effect. and i know its not fair if i go out and talk with whoever i want to, but hell i realized you have no obligation to me, and likewise i dont have an official obligation to you. but i still feel bad, and i still feel sorry for trying to plug it in with others, but you know. sometimes...i just cant deal with trying to suck it up. i know, thats what i always do, and thats my motto. but you know? fuck call me weak. but sometimes i need a soft pillow to sleep on for the night.


i hope to god this is the last post of its kind for a while. i should stop bitching so much.

im so confused

im so confused. no, its not that. Its not that im confused. Im just...i dont goddam know. one thing about formal is, no matter how people say you can just ask anyone as a friend and a girl can't say no...its like...i know if i asked, id get a yes. but see, i want it to mean something. I don't know what the fuck ive ever done to ever deserve that kind of reaction, but fuck is it too much to ask? probably.

all i know is...my mind is never set on anything for not even 2 days. it goes up and down so much.

i suck ass at doing anything with girls. im experiencing everything for the first time, and its too late, but thats what i am. mr. awkward apparently. idunno, wtf am i supposed to do? i dont know anything. thats why im just doing what i want. and i dont think its working. just know that im not a nice guy, and ive never done anything to impress otherwise.

ive started running last week. just yesterday, i ran my hardest 3 miler so far, with timo and chad. i thought only i had it hard, cuz the pace was pretty strong, and i got a side cramp pretty early on. but later, timo and chad had problems too. i guess were all together in this, and im glad i got some people to run with.

fall play practice, last stretch. im too quiet, stuttered lines, and whatnot. whatever another set of shit i cant do correctly. i have to get it down, and i think i will. the best part about these practices now are the fact that people can chat more, get to know each other basically. like asif said, this is the week that well remember the most about these plays. and i sure have stuff ill never forget.

what happens if...if...fuck. its weird. i feel like these relationships we have sometimes are so conditional. to an extent they are, but see what if the relationship is something a little...more than the average? i wouldnt say it means more to me, or is more important to me, but its something that...would change me if i lost it. well, at least on my end, its not conditional. its weird right? we as kids growing up in this society around us, all these images and slogans bombarding us, and it sets our standards. standards for relationships, beauty, love. from these sitcoms, shows, and movies, we get a sense of what couples do, whats cute, whats romantic.

it might seem a little...planned out when i say this but...really this is just what i feel. at least now. see, ive already known that crushes and love and romance is all irrational. i say this cuz we all have basic universal standards for woman and men, and what they need to look like, and how to act. but goddam it, i like it just the way it is. cuz something...something that cant be seen, touched, or explained...grasps at me. it hold my heart hostage. it makes me, in spite of myself, in spite of friends, in spite of society...it makes me like...sigh. who knew eh?
we as guys can go around, noticing who looks nice that day, or what someone did, and how it was attractive. and hell, its not only truthful, its fun. but something, just something, at the end of the day, brings husbands back to wives, boyfriends to girlfriends. see, its not grounded in the superficial. it transcends, its something more, its something i can only describe as the soul. its not related to personality either. its so hard to explain, but i feel it in perfect essence inside of me.

its all true...at least for now. at least this second. i know it wont last forever, and its a sad thought. but theres only one thing that i know for sure, and its the fact that ill always remember. how i felt. how it was before.

this was a long ass post. i dont even know what i wrote. whatever. today i got offered a cig and weed by some random dood as i was walking to artesia high for the play practice. i told him if i ever wanted to id ask him.

its funny, cuz i was urged to do it by a good friend. coincidence haha. shit, i would, i goddam would tho. fuck theyre all having fun apparently, and its not even a bad thing at all, and what really killed me was that he actually invited me up. apparently he thought i was already chill and have done everything before. it surprised him that i was clean. like, completely clean, not even drinking. and you know? i KNOW id have a fun time, and shit with the invitation and all it made me feel...wanted you know? it felt good.

its not that i regret that i just cant do it, its just that so many good friends are all out having fun with that. and others are going into it too, one by one. its almost like im getting left out.

pacman

today. was a fun day. goddam. one of the best nights ive had in a while WOOOHOOOO PACQUIAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! holy shit lets start from the top.

So, got to band LATE for the first time on a performance day, but at least i didnt come as late as soyoung (LOL) and without much hassle, got on the bus once again to la palma. got there, warmed up, and while the wood/wind/brass were in archs, the percussion and honor guard melded together to have story time HAHAHA. yet again john and i didnt do fucking shit for an hour HAHA.

then came time for the competition. took a breather, and we stepped off. me and john did okay on our routine, but the bagpipers dun fucked up UGH. whatever, then came the goddam 2 mile march. i honestly dont get WHY every year they make us march against the sunlight. 4 directions to be chosen, and they chose THAT one. jesus christ whatever. all i know is, i was relieved when i got to the end. first one to take off my shit, and soyoung came and bragged she had no tan (which honestly surprised me considering her pale ass). changed out, and we had a fun time.

the la palma park where we get our awards had a festival again. me, david, and john went out to the chinese place and got some food. then some yogurt (all the while bagging on davids fatness), and david is one mean fucker to jessica LOL but hes just playin (of course he is). even after the yogurt, we went into the ralphs to get pringles, and david got some salty ass Takis.

and HAHAHA david saw this one girl passing by and was like "oh shes pretty cute dood." i dunno what i was thinking, but i immediately called to that girl and said "oh this guy, david, says he thinks your cute." then david BONES OUT SO FAST he runs across the parking lot and hides behind a pickup truck HAHAHHA. of all the things he couldve done, that was the worst. anyways, she just laughed it off. at first david was like "dood thats fucked up" but later turned around and said "thats pretty goddam good HAHA we should do it again." so, we walked to the festival, looked at some indian dancers, checked out the food stands, looked at the rock climbers, got some water, and watched the mariachi band. they sing pretty dam well.

eventually we walked over to the awards area to at least support our class. and we actually got first place for our division (that really surprised me). good shit. then we walked back to the buses (stared at a pair of...) got on the bus and KNOCKED out.

as we walked back, i told joyce that of course i wasnt being hurtful when i made fun of her for flirting around so much. in fact, it might be a good thing. id rather have guys chase after her then having her chase after guys. no chance of great pain, and she shouldnt work so hard. not so sure thatll happen, but hey thats my sentiments and what i feel. listened to england's peptalk (which was short and cheerful, well at least as england goes) then got out.

ugh, then david wanted to go to CUE. WOW. honestly, i wanted to hang out with hanna david and jess but honestly...cue? of ALL places in the world, it had to be CUE. idunno i guess i just wanted to do something else. hell sitting down together wouldve been nice...but whatever. one way or another, i got home. time for the fight.

arrived at johns house and it was still some pre-fights. grabbed some flip food, and watched the pregames in johns bedroom. good shit, it prepared me for the main fight ahead. munched on choco-raisins until matt came, then we played some Melee. FUN TIMES then TIMO arrived JUST in time for....PACQUIAO VS. COTTO. HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LONG ASS STORY SHORT: it was completely worth it. it was a legitimately exciting match. cotto was a beast but no match for pacquiao's SPEED. GODAMMM. we were cheering our ASSES OFF i could feel my voice giving out from all the screaming. we went CRAZY. the match shattered our predictions, i bet on 4 rounds, but it went ALL 12. in the end, the ref had to call it, hell cotto was bleeding everywhere. no KO, but honestly....GOOD SHIT. we were so fucking pumped, we went out to go the liquor store.

the night air never felt so fresh. i got myself an arizona black/white tea. (as always).

looked up at the sky to search for the brightest star, and i found it again. this night, in the west.

good times with good friends, good food, and good entertainment. can anyone ask for more?

pussy ass bitches

i beat him so hard today. and punked him around so hard. if that faggot ever does anything ever again, im going to kill him. pussy ass cunt.

i dont think ive ever beat anyone so goddam hard. one roundhouse kick made him fall over. and when i punched his neck, i think i stopped his breathing a little. even after, all i did was punk him around. then that pussy boned out after practice. but i still caught up to him, and told him to come over. then i gave him the warning. i would love to see him still going on after that. my fists are already itching.

i just got so goddam mad. i...dont know. what he did hit home, and something just snapped. the barrier of reason and logic that holds in the violence not only leaked, but it straight up burst. on one level, i would really rather not fight, but on another level, if he ever did it again, id would love to back kick his face and shove some teeth down his throat.

on another note, i fucked up. and even worse, its one of those fuck ups where you fuck over your friends too. sigh...i have nothing to say. i really dont.

fierro test tomorrow FUCKCCKCKCK whatever WHATEVER. just see what tomorrow brings.

one of those days

whats the point of...trying to live your life trying to be happy, responsible, trying to be nice? to set your goals and follow them, to be respectful enough to others, to just...iono.



i keep telling myself, TELLING myself, that i dont give a fuck anymore. that i just dont give a fuck.

then why the fuck do i still do?

reblogged...again

HAHA my tumblr got reblogged again HAHA. yesterday my music tumblr got reblogged, now today a aim convo i had with david got reblogged. kewl.

started a youtube channel with peter. LETS SEE HOW THAT SHIT GO LOOOOOOOOOL.

thought i had play practice today, but it wasnt my act so i ended up painting two crappy ass signs for the halloween dance. my apologies, i am not a artiste.

anyway, went to tony li's house for the first time today. best pad. ever. seriously ive never seen a chiller pad. however, you wanna go there to study? nope. just aint gunna happen. great weekend chill spot tho.

on the way back, matt gave me a ride, and we raced against timos car and went through a couple near-deaths. the adrenaline was pounding.

then, we got on and off the freeway 3 times before we decided we chose the right one in the first place. took some wrongs turns to but...we EVENTUALLY got home. mhm thats what counts. i love the late nights in the car.

a day

today, i played my best game of waterpolo yet. i made 6 out of 11 shots, and our JV actually won LOL. i made our first shot, and robin made the second, so for a moment it was a kim brothers moment. then i made the third and fourth shot then the shot order got hazy after that haha. not only that, i had 3 SWEET assists with really well played manuevering and passing, and not ONLY that, i got defense on lockdown. AND ON TOP OF THAT i had the best endurance i had in a game yet. NO CRAMPS. and i stayed in the whole game too, no rest. this is an accomplishment HAHA.

you know, i said to jonathan and david today as we walked to v-bal game after OUR game...
see jv gets the shit. we dont have any cheerleaders, our audience members. no one gives a fuck about us. no one to cheer us wen we make a shot, no one to share in our accomplishments.

but you know, we practice and work hard for ourselves and for the team. thats all we need right?

then after i went to timos house with james and matt, ordered some dominos, ate, and actually got some good studying done. i feel good.

oh also, today, during 5th period tseng i got called to the career center, and apparently a west point alumni (captain hickman) dropped in for a surprise visit, and i had a 40 minute one-on-one discussion about everything west point, and took all of lunch. I got a poster, cd, sticker, pamphlets, and a hand-written admission guideline.

thinking about going to west point...people wonder why i would wanna go. I know. Im gunna miss out on all the...FUN college experience. no parties, chilling, women. just work work work. I even heard from capt. hickman that...cadets barely have time for themselves. ill never just be able to roadtrip outta nowhere, or wake up at 3pm in my dorm in just my boxers sleeping upside down with a pizza slice in my hand and beer can in the other and not knowing wtf happened. ill miss out on all that.

but you know, lifes always been a challenge for me. its just time to take it to another level.

release

i never talk about it to anyone cuz i cant help but get just...

but today was the first time i told someone to an extent other than my family. i didnt plan it, it just...happened. it felt good. im really glad to have my friends. im very blessed.

psat tomorrow. time to sleep

2nd post here we go

ohh man what to say? jesus monday was a shit day. tuesday too. today too.

sleepy as fuck. all the time. i knock out in almost every class. unintentionally. Fuck

god this year like...i realy dont wanna drift from the friends that i have. see cuz by know, were all so close and known each other for so long.

and i think i mightve lost a best friend. it will never be the same again. whatever

girls say that im an awkward bitch in real life. i wouldnt know, i dont do it on purpose. its just, goddam. always catch me off guard. im not used to it yet, im not really the girl-talking/player type you know?

formal. formalformalformal. im gunna ask someone. thats about all i know right now. sigh.

jesus i feel bad for soyoung. i just noticed today that i only wave at her and smile. i noticed cuz she actually stopped me and told me to say "hi." ahhhhhhh i didnt do it on purpose i didnt notice i never said anything. sorry.

oh and im excited as hell for halloween and whats going down that day HAHA. and seriously when they find out, they will be SHOCKEDDD and plus i have to see how scared you really get (you know who you are)

no idea what to be for halloween. i think i have an idea but imma keep it a secret haha.

whatever. elite tomorrow, and i better sleep. another day. sigh.

First post

no one. uses. tumblr. im now guna use a blogspot instead. i wont tell anyone about it, and lets see how long it takes the first person to find out.

tired as fuck. thats all i can say. waterpolo practices, tkd tournament practices, band rehearsals (and i gotta make a spinning tenor routine) inner council duties (apparently i gotta fix up the dam website ughhhhh) then i have fall play practices (yay i got a part however minor) and sat elite academy (wee....) and i gotta make some club meetings for martial arts club cuz im president (oasdijfoadfsj)

i think im gunna kill myself.

nah...but you know. id like to just say fuck it sometimes. it feels nice to say it. i never would give up, but it just feels nice to say it.

and on top of all this, i have to think about formal. yes, its early, but goddam. some people are tryna match me with someone (i wont say names here) and shes pretty cute and nice. its so blatantly obvious they want me to ask her to formal, but in the end ill make it my decision.

sighhhhhhhh goddam i just dont know who im gunna ask its killing me really goddammm it....

i know its so stupid to get worked up on this, with all the other stuff i have. but i just am.

the only things im looking forward to:
1. sleeping in (whenever that is)
2. homey nights (tomorrow hopefully)
3 oct. 31st. haha

oh andthe fall play readthrough went well. that last monologue i had to bite my tongue pretty dam hard. like really hard. w/e w/e