one more thing

today...i listened to "river flows in you" again...then i realized i heard this song before...

and no, not in twilight or new moon. catherine showed it to me back in summer. i remember that i liked it, but i just never downloaded it, so i forgot about it.

it really is a good song...beautiful actually....

late ass night

so john knocked the fuck out so this bitch flaked on denny's LOL so its ehffing late and im hungry. prolly will go to dennys tomorrow, (like late morning instead of 2am) then maybe mall? then maybe talent show? maybe haha

i honestly have a lot more to say about my day but im lazy as hell and i dont feel like typing it all up so screw it.

I DONT NEED NO LOVE ALL I NEED IS THE DJ~~!

well sorry

Ima make a new blog. This time, PRIVATE.

pieces

despite it all i guess im not completely over it yet. i mean hell, all my trust, my entire view of you shattered.

death

thats it. i thought, i only had a year or two left. ill let it go.

but no. bitch, ive had enough. fuck you. the time has long gone when i can say i loved you. but for the past 4 years, i can say with truth...i dont love you. they say no matter what, sons love their fathers, but thats some fucking bullshit. i know myself. i know in my heart that at best, your bearable.

this path of defiance im taking...today marks the first time i went so far. every confrontation, no matter how hard i tried to stay up, you always broke me down. but today.

today marked the first day that i didnt back down. that no matter how hard you beat me, i didnt back down.

ive never seen my mom go so hysterical. im sorry mom, i know i promised you last year, that i would let it all slide for you. im sorry mom. i cant. i cant take his bullshit anymore.

i must be crazy. im must be suicidal. becuz ive known you for 16 years, and i know for a fact that i can never win. never. your the one person in this world i cant break. see, i always thought that i was like you. i cried so many nights as a youngster, denying that reality. but about a couple years ago, i reluctantly accepted. thats why i changed my reasons to not take any drugs, into something else. becuz i didnt want to become even more like you. not if i can help it.

but today i realized...that even with all that, no matter how hard i tried, no matter what promises i made to myself...im...im even worse. i had a much better life than you had, and ive never gotten my body altered by drugs, but...i still manage to be just as bad.

im worse than you. and the similarities are striking. you are where i get my strength from. see, the strength i learned from you...you never taught me. you did it inadvertantly.

see this kind of strength, you only learn from getting broken again and again.

its a wrong kind of strength. its never what i wanted. but, its caught up to you. youve broken me too many times. who knew it would take 16 years for me finally...finally to heal up to the point...that now...i wont take your shit. today, i didnt back down.

but like i said, i cant win. i know i cant. the only path this leads to, is death.

but today is also the first day that i said i wanted to die.

i posted this on tumblr too

i think ima post on tumblr too, but im too lazy to write in two seperate blogs, so ima just post the same thing on both from now on. here is what i posted there:

its been a long time since i posted here. i feel like fucking shit. ive never been this sick for so long in a while. my eyes hurts, throat hurts, head hurts, my entire body is sore. especially 6th period, i couldnt hide it as well. hilary kept tapping me and asking whats wrong, and i told her im perfectly fine im just tired. but she didnt believe me. at all. the whole time, she kept saying "i know youre not okay, i can tell."

then when i try to pass it off, she gives me this look. what can i say to that? what can i honestly say?

later, i was walking around, away from friends, thinking i needed some alone time. then soyoung came and waved, and walked with me, even a little, and you know what...it felt really good. i was wrong, i didnt need alone time. i just needed to talk...even just small talk. she asked if i was okay. i said, yah i am, dont worry about it. i dont think she believed me. sigh.

FUCK man i need to...okay i dont know. i just feel so fucking weak, and i cant do shit about it.

thank you everyone for talking with me today. somewhere deep down, i needed it.

moms story

today, at work, my mom sat me down and told me a story of hers.

When my mom and my dad were engaged, they decided to go to a nightclub, along with some of my mom's friends. My dad didn't know how to dance at all, but my mom was okay with that. She and her girlfriends went on the dancefloor and dance. Then, some guy, kinda big kinda handsome, asked my mom to dance when a certain song came on. My mom respectfully declined, saying she had a fiance. He asked, if he aint dancing, then he wouldnt mind just one dance. My mom once again declined. However, this guy, drunk, kept at it. My moms girlfriends got worried. My mom kept declining, and started to get ticked off. This guy all of a sudden grabs her and tries to kiss her. My mom immediately pushed him away, and even though she was so short comparatively, reached up high and slapped his face. Before the guy had time to respond, my dad came out of nowhere, and grabbed this guys shirt, slammed him into the wall, and threw one punch at his face. He fainted.

My dad was part of a special recon team at the Korean demilitarized zone, and specialized in silent death techniques. He just got out. It was a bad time to fuck with him.

Soon after, my dad went to America to establish a home. He got his greencard, and sent a letter to my mom. Then he came to Korea three days before the wedding, and four days after they married, he went back to America.

They were seperated for 2 and a half years.

In that time my mom was by herself, right after her marriage, many guys chased after her. I've seen pictures of my mom when she was younger. I have to honestly say, she was one pretty girl.

These guys kept asking her, since her husband was away, just asked for one night...

My mom always declined, and when sometimes these guys got desperate and started getting grabby, my mom said her signature technique was to drive her 3 inch heels into their calf bone. Needless to say, they stopped being grabby.

Then, my dad finally called for my mom, and she went to America to meet my dad once again. A year later, I was born.

I listened to this story, and my heart became wistful. Like i said before, I would be extremely lucky to find a woman like my mother. So strong, so willed, so loyal. the two and a half year seperation would be hard on anyone, but they made it through. Mom, you told me to wait and that Ill find a woman like that. But trust me, I might never be that lucky. You are one of a kind.

All I can be sure of, is that at least...I think that I'll be strong enough. To stay faithful. I know it myself.

i post so much but IDGAF

No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, so take a seat we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt so much?

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating (beating)
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

Pain make your way to me, to me.
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight,
This heart will start a riot in me,
Let's start, start, hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win!
Whoa.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

Now I can't trust myself with anything but this,
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa

it matches

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kz6hNDlEEg

this is what i get

who is he

if it wasnt for my friends, i would have absolutely no one to talk to. you guys kept me alive.

thank you so much. thank you....so much.

he keeps coming into my room to "talk." i tell him to get out, but he keeps talking. he says hell come back every single night until he does. but i have nothing to say to him anymore. im done.

and im not gunna write about that. i cant.

simple existence.

i came home from tao around...5? jumped the fence, but had to wake up this guy who lives in my house to open the door. i woke up...around 10? my mom woke me up. then i sat in my room until 5, i didnt eat anything. matt came and took me out to eat. i hadnt eaten in 24 hours, but i didnt feel that hungry. i think david's pear hat was the happiest moment of the day. i swear it was hilarious, i laughed so hard. then i slept again.

i love my mom. i truly do. i really think she is the best mom in the universe. im sorry that it might sound pretentious, but honestly, your mom is nothing compared to mine. ive never met anyone so caring and gentle, yet strong and willed. a delicate appearance holds her strong heart. i think around...9th grade. i got taller than my mom. i grew, and now she cant hold me up, or carry me anymore. when i hug her, i look down at her and she looks up at me. and i laugh and tease.

"Mom, why are you so short. i swear you shrunk."

"YOU CAME OUT OF ME! AND IM STILL TALLER THAN YOU!"

"Sure, sure mom. HAHAHAHA"

she tells me that no matter how old i grow, wherever i go, or whoever i become, that ill always be her little boy. she says my best age was when i was 3. sure i was the loudest, most obnoxious little kid in existence. but she said it was when i was closest to her.

i cant change it anymore. i realized...only this year. that....i really love my mom. and i realized that too late. i spent the past teen years taking her for granted. and when i realize this, i only got about a year and a half left. then im gone.

but no matter how short of a time i got, i will make it good. i love you mom. and once i leave, i wont live with you anymore, and we might start drifting apart if i get my own family, but i promise i will remember you forever.

you are the one person that has dragged me up from the murky depths of gloom and sadness, cared for me in my times of weakness, praised me and smiled at me when i was at the top, and gave me the advice i needed to hear.

you are the one woman in this world that cares for me as deeply as you do, and has never let me down. you devote yourself 100% to me, and makes sure that im okay, no matter what. I cant tell you everything that i feel or do, but you appreciate so much when i do tell you.

it breaks my heart to know that everytime that you think im in pain, you cry too. you say that it also breaks your heart when you know that im going through a rough patch. your so worried that i might turn to drinks or drugs becuz of friends, family, and my own sadness.

but mom, let me tell you something. I might not be as perfect as i wish i was, but you raised me to be strong. mom, dont worry, you know me. ill never do that stuff. and you know that ill get through this. i always have. it makes me tear that there are some things in this world thatll even make a strong woman like you cry. i promise, for you, ill always be the strong boy that you always wanted me to be.

i love you so much mom, i love you so much. haha, my father told me that i should never settle for less than a woman like my mom. that the girl i meet has to be as good. race has no difference.

and trust me, i might never be as lucky as to find a woman like mom. mom, your one of a kind. youre what people in this world might call an angel. if i ever meet a woman like you, then its something that i probably dont deserve, but i will try my best at it.

T. A. O.

too much stuff happened, cant say it all. ill try.

lost my ticket. middle finger. bought the ticket again. yup. was invalid. fuck. the guy let me in anyway. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

no backpacks allowed, had to wait outside for an hour with max. BUT WE GOT INNNNNNNN

3 stages, bass so hard it beat my chest. costumes, lights everywhere. i dont think ive ever met a group as friendly as the people of TAO. thank you all, it made it a wonderful night.

my homies, peter, timo, and max. WE ALL HAD FUCKING FUNNNNNNNNNN i learned a cool glowstick trick, i think i might get into that. goddammm.......

$5 waters, $6 lemonades. guetta, kaskade. fingerlight shows littering the arena, strobe lights blinding my eyes.

peace, love, unity = 2 bead bracelets. i will always treasure themmmmm

MY NAME IS BARK!

whatever news i hear threatening it now....at least for now....FUCK IT. all i need are my homies and music.

weed, cig smoke filling my lungs blinding my eyes. booze, pills, pacifiers, almost naked women, light shows, people getting fucked up and never thinking twice. if we cant have this all the time, then let us enjoy this ONE night. grab a light, rub a head, bust a move, and throw your ones up in the air and have fun, together, TOGETHER AS ONE. 2010. it has so far...been a great year.