fantasy

lets see...i planned many things to type down when i got the time, and for some reason ill i can think of is one thing and one thing only. oh well, ill try my best.

work with john and jason on saturday. its actually not that bad with them, but still hard work. ZOSDON > MEMBERS ONLY and jason, i didnt get your jacket yet.

anyway, john is continuing to work for us. every day till christmas. making bannnkkkk and he is really good at it to. having fun too wow.

ok elite. middle finger to elite. blablabla waste of winter blablabla...

alright.

hahahahaa....

many things happened today. i swear i didnt plan on it. but am i glad i went today. we...

.

.

.

it was...so much better than i imagined.

im sorry for...yah. i didnt know, i didnt want to stop.

who knew, one day, it would be like this? this will be the last of this kind. everything else will stay inside.

choices

boy, some stuff happened today. lets get to it.

Well, apparently, a rat in whs, (tiffany yeh) snitched and basically got a lot of people into some interrogations. Robin was called in. and Ms. Park started spewing false accusations forced-fed to her by her boss, (Ms. Hager) prolly in the fear of losing her income to support her baby, and called up my mom. And made her cry. and so did my dad too. and you know what the kicker is? Park later confessed to lying.

This proves this institution of WHS is fucked up. It is a known fact that staff members talk shit about students, and in a small scale school like this, information has a more profound effect and spreads in a rapid pace.

They're minds, so conservative. And hypocritical. And disrespectful. Being the number 3 school in the nation apparently gives them the right to cop a haughty attitude.

Anyways, I got pretty fucking mad. At the peak, i said id punch her goddam baby in the stomach. Make my mother cry? Ill watch you die. As for my brother, I have nothing to say but the facts in my head, and the opinions that i hold. Hes old enough to make his own decisions.

NEXT. I am so. goddam. glad. that i realized. that she was absolutely NOT for me. at all. I dodged a bullet. Hell, i dodged a missile. To think that i wasted a whole YEAR holding a crush. FML. I extremely regret the waste of my life. UGH. No wonder shes still friends with a psycho with control issues and a violent inside. As for her? Ive never seen a more two-faced fake in my life. adsiofjaodfsijadsofijadsofijaodifjaodifj GODDAM IT I FUCKING WASTED MY LIFE. WHYWHYWHY WAS I SO GODDAM STUPID UGHHHHHHHHH.

_________________________________________________________________

This next one deserves a line^. I wanted this post to end on a good note so...yes i asked today. lets take a trip on the journey here:

For weeks I kept silent about this to all my friends. ALL. absolutely no one knew that i was going to ask, when i was going to ask, who i was going to ask, and if i was going at all. Why? Hah. I decided i dont need anybody else except for myself and Hanna. Who needs the publicity? attention? Her response was the only thing important to me.

Basically, i took the cow cuz i didnt want to ask my friends to drop me off at the florist and have them know. I wanted to keep it a secret. I went to the florist, asked for the roses, and though they had all these colors, i asked for all red. Then i had to write a card. I really didnt know what to write. Brought them to my house, fast forward, brought them early to school. I cleared out my locker completely the day before to make sure id have room. It fit. then the waiting game.

Once snack let out, after most students wouldve settled down, I walked to the student store, passing by the tree to make sure she was there. So i went straight to my locker, got them, walked all the way around. When i got there...she wasnt there. "...Where did she go?"

I kinda scratched my head and stood there for a little. Then she walked out, and i had planned on how id approach and what id say and how id stand and how my voice would be but all of that went down to hell. I just said what i just had been thinking, and yes the question was asked and she said yes. Took some pictures.

As for the full story/rest of the details...not today.

I walked back to my table. And i couldn't stop smiling for some reason.

And no matter what shit might have happened today, I just cannot help but being in a good mood. Oh well. I'm not complaining.

Choices. You can only hope that the things you decide upon turn out in your favor. It just so happens, that at least today, it did turn out in my favor.

I got work tomorrow with john and jason, haha lets see how it turns out.

Today world, I am sleeping a happy man.

hot and cold

Talked to many people, shared opinions, listened to more formal stories. Took note.

Shhhhhhh.........................................................................................................

Conviction.

Revelation.

And a little bit of recklessness.

________________________________________________________________

Music. "Just lose it."

Its gone

I came all this way, anticipated so much, only to come and see that I have nothing returned back to me. And who's fault? Obviously mine.

And to think at some point in time, I was so sure, so excited to think what would happen next.

Once again, I fell into being naive and hopeful yet again. Every time I tell myself to do different, and every time I can't help myself.

I just wish their was a sign, a green light, any kind of indication, any confirmation for what I was doing. Didn't come, or too obscure for me to notice.

Now? Time's running out. And my guess is it'll never come. Wishful thinking at best. Now I just gotta prepare not to expect it.

Sigh, what to do? I have to revert back, and start talking and getting interested in other sources. Hopefully that'll come sooner or later.

Whatever, maybe it's not meant to be, in fear of sounding a bit cliche.

If only there was a sign, but to be honest with myself, have I ever gotten it? No, so I guess I shouldn't expect it.

What to do? Not go at all? Nah, I'll ask some friend of a friend or something in my grade. I saved the cash, I'll just dump it wherever. I just don't care anymore.

Haha, I guess this is back to "I-don't-give-a-fuck" Aaron. And this time, they'res no backside to that. It'll all be in true honesty.

"Is it too much to ask?"....I guess so.

first drivng

today, i took my first driving lesson. and this is my 4th month with a permit LOL. driving is pretty fun, its exactly like a videogame.

I WANT A CAR I WANT A LANCER EVO I WANNA BLOW PEOPLE OUT THE WATER

GRAHHHH I WANT A CAR TO GO OUT BY MYSELF AND TAKE PEOPLE PLACES

meep

one of my very close friends, you know who, i hope that you can keep your head up. I would try to say more and help more in this situation, but what can i say? i cannot be pretentious enough to claim how i know you feel, nor can i muster some kind of wise philosophical advice.

for all its worth, keep your head up, because your an attractive person with a magnetic personality, and there is no doubt in my mind you'll be able to continue the relationship, or find someone else. and plus, girls find it more appealing when your up and charismatic. maybe not now, but in time i hope you get it back.

_____________________________________________________________________

to say the least, life is moving for me.

lets let life continue in its pace. i don't believe in set destiny, and most people will agree with me. its something thats universally upheld especially here in America.

the mindset is, whatever life brings, make sure its something you've had a part it, and don't let it blindside you. and as for the inevitable unexpected? we just gotta face it with a raised chin, smirk on the face, and a "bring-it-on" attitude. and as for the things we cannot control, ask yourself, "What can I do?...nothing." No use brooding over stuff that has already happened, but sometimes we can't help ourselves right? If anything, make sure its temporary.

conviction

Hm...why I'm going to talk about my day. NO MATTER HOW MEDIOCRE.

Fierro, took test. CLS, did some easy shit. Bitches once again complaining about quiz dates. I honestly don't care when it is, hell I could've had it today. Blegh whatever, not like I care enough to do anything.

Then snack blablabla then APUSH. some lecture. then Physics. Angeline was absent today and there was a huge space between Madeline and me LOL

Sorry, I am the worst at explaining stuff in physics, because I don't usually write my work down. I do a lot in my head, and my work ends up being broken up chicken scratch. But yahhhh sorry about how my explanations are vague and usually ends with "thats just how it is."

and TOO MANY PEOPLE DISTRACT THE CLASS. LETS LEARN SOME PHYSICS AND STOP TALKING ABOUT RANDOM CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6th period AP Lang. me and chad donated blood yesterday, so we didnt do the multiple choice thing, so i sat for most of class doodling and listening to music. Good times.

Thennnnnnnnn the fucking exercise. today was fucking hard. Today was the first time i started to audibly grunt as i ran the 2nd mile holy SHIT. so goddam tired out. prolly cuz of the blood donation. it said it would take 5 weeks to get back to normal blood count.

Then, afterschool, went to A&W again, ate, went to timos for some studying stuff. LOL yah i slept in the car and at the house. matt gave me a ride home.




we talked about formal again. once again, i told them i just dont know who the fuck to ask. i throw up the middle finger i aint thinkin about it, i dont care. at least, thats what i said.

ONE MORE

So I said GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
If you're wonderin', if I want you to...
I want you to.
So make a move.
Cuz I AINT GOT ALL NIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

GOOOOOOOOOOO
If you're wonderin', if i want you to...
I want you to...
I swear it's true.
Without you...my heart is blue~

change.

I've really gone down the wrong path. Too much, too much bitching. All for what? Absolutely nothing. This will be a change, of sorts.

I've worried, bitched over, all internally, about what to do. Not only that, why, how, and what would happen in the end. You know what I realized? It's because somewhere deep inside, I wanted to experience something I never have before, and I wanted it so much, that sometimes, I convinced myself that I actually would. That it was plausible and in reach. What blindness.

I overreached my boundaries, reached too far, and in the process overinflating my ego so I failed to recognize that I was doing those things. And now that its clear what reality looks like, I didn't like it. It made me feel a loss, deep and hurting. I can't believe it. I promised myself that it wouldn't come to this, but in advertantly, in spite of myself, it happened.

But the words above, is just a temporary phase of emotions. I'm sure I'll feel different the very next morning. So I'm going to make a promise today.

Message to you Aaron:

Aaron. Despite what happens, already happened, and what will happen, you just have to do it. Strip this of any hopes you have, things you want to happen, just forget it all. Because, your in so deep now, that even if you know nothing will go in anyway you wanted it to go, and in fact, that opposite might happen, you just have to do it now. Deep inside, you know you can't help it anymore. Even if it kills you, breaks your heart. If anything, let this be the last. Just do this, and then, even if you can't let go, at least make it the end.

_____________________________________________________________
So that's the promise. I'm going to do it. And not only that, I'm going to make it good. Go all out. It's the time to do everything, say everything, let everything be known. And then, even go as far as to...I can't express it here. And the danger is, by doing this, I'm setting myself up for pain that I've never felt before. But, haha, I've decided. I don't care. I've now stripped it of any of my hopes and wants. Whether I even get anything back, I don't care. It'll kill me, but oh well, if it happens.

This year was a year of changes. I might never get this situation ever again. So lets do it.

blood donation

I'm gunna write two posts today, one about todays events, and another post that i need to assert somethings to myself. here it goes.

So, i fucked up band auditions haha. whatever...
After, I went to the gym for the blood drive. We got our numbers, went into the booth to add my information, pricked my finger for an iron test, and went to the table to finally donate the blood. I chose my left arm, and the iodine rub tickled like CRAZY HAHA. then finally, they inserted the needle (which kinda stung) and the blood came pouring out. wooohoooooooooooo

i felt the tube, and it was fucking warm haha. then the took it out, had to lay down for a little, then walked over the the refreshment table. they gave me everything i needed HAHA drinks and snacks. gave me stickers and a shirt coooollllllllll.

time for the next post.

fuck ALL of you

yes, just like everyone else, I am indeed having an emotional time and I can feel a lot of pressure and stress, more now than ever.

But I know for a fact that I'll make it through. I've already gone through TOO much shit, took too much bullshit, dried too many tears, yelled through too many hard situations, talked to myself during extremely hard times too often to fucking give up now.

What the FUCK is wrong with me? For some reason, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. Like this might be it. That I might, after all these years, just fucking give up. Hell fucking no. This can't happen. At all.

I need to reassure myself. ALL I NEED IS MYSELF AND MY OWN CONVICTION. THAT'S IT.

I know, your supposed to depend on family and friends and girlfriends and all that. That's true. But what about the deep shit? The shit you can never tell anyone? Never even mention? Even have to lie to gloss over it? NO ONE CAN HELP, WILL HELP. So Aaron, time to shut the fuck up. There's no fucking break for you. Life has always been a challenge, what do you think will change now? You don't even deserve rest. You haven't done shit with your life. Unless you reach the very top of this world, you cannot rest. Success is the only option to you. Any other path leads to death. No point in living without a goal.

Nothing for you. No substances to relieve shit. You can't have it. No matter how much you want to, how many friends, your not getting shit. Too fucking bad for you.

Why? What you have right now, its not good enough. You always try so goddam hard, but its not ENOUGH. Only option is to keep always trying your best, no matter how futile it'll be.

Let other bitches fail and get swept under the unrelenting machine called Life. But you, you have to survive. You must. Never pause, for even one moment, or you'll get swept under too. You gotta stay on top. No choice.

_____________________________________________________________
I want a break. I want a pillow. I just wanna rest my head a little. But no, I haven't deserved it, so I won't. I don't think i ever will. So what? I'm strong enough. I mean, I always have been. What's changed now?

bloop

mhm ima start putting stuff on my other blog haha use it more.

theres things i wanna say, would say, but for reasons i cannot flesh out, i wont. one of them being the inability to express the feelings and thoughts.

i wanna see an eclipse.

holidays coming. fun times coming soon i hope.

and at nights the urges get really bad. but not those. others. not physical. if i said i had different sides, one of them would apply here. late night brings it out.

sighh~~~

stargirl

that book always is fun to read. and i always go through the emotional extremities, even though i know whats going to happen. never let go, never let go~ at least that's what i think every time.

___________________________________________________________

"let people hate, judge, ridicule. to say it doesnt bother me is to speak a lie. but i realized in the end, as long as you were happy, I was okay."

^floatin in my head all day. life of the daydreamer.

time to write in a brighter mood

i shall not go there today adsiofjadfsijo!

everyone says the inner beauty is the only thing that counts. i call bullshit. i say its the most important thing, not the only thing. something that i think jessica said: no matter how much you can say your attracted to the personality and the inside, guys seem only to find that in the physically attractive ones?? and im no exception?? reason: we are men. even socrates wanted some ass. so, today, im going to admire the finer points of the woman's anatomy.

you know, i always knew myself to be a hips man. i mean, sure im attracted to the some details of the whole, but emphasis is put on the lower body. wtf is this legit talk ima talk like a man

honestly, its like if you got breasts thats very nice, but no ass? gtfo. HOWEVER if you had ass but no breast? i shall live. like i guess i like the details of other parts, but in the very end, the ass is the priority. man i know like...this k-pop star has like a 22 inch waist. holy FUCK. thats...no. not for me. i wouldnt even know the ideal waist size, but it has to be...whats the adjective...substantial. like...thats the one thing that can change me from relative unexpressiveness to absolute craziness. adsiofsajoaiooadsifjosidfjoosjdoadjfoadsjfioajfiojaodfjoadsfioadjfoij UGH OMFG AAIJOASJOOAJOAOASJOADFSIJOASJOASJOADS YESSESSSSSSSYESSSYEYSYEYESYESSYESEYERSYSEYSEYSEYSEYSEYSSSSSEEYEEYSSSEYES KEEP MOVINGGGGGGG SIDE TO SIDE FFUFUCJCKFUCKFUCKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFIOFIOAJOAFSASIJOSISOSOS IM GOING FUCKING INSANEN ENENENENENENENDENENENNENENENEN

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK AND I CANT EVEN FUCKING DO SHIT ABOUT IT CUZ OF SOME MUTHERFUCKING BET MUTHERFUCK ALL YOU GODDAM BITCHES AND YOUR GODDAM MONEY I DONT GIVE A FUCKKFKIFKFKK I CANT TAKE IT I WONT LAST FUCK1!!!!!!!!!


sjloadsjloadsfjloadsfiloadsfioadsfjadsiofjasidfjoadfjioasdfj shit three months i cant believe myself fml.


but i promised. oh fucking well.