one more thing

today...i listened to "river flows in you" again...then i realized i heard this song before...

and no, not in twilight or new moon. catherine showed it to me back in summer. i remember that i liked it, but i just never downloaded it, so i forgot about it.

it really is a good song...beautiful actually....

late ass night

so john knocked the fuck out so this bitch flaked on denny's LOL so its ehffing late and im hungry. prolly will go to dennys tomorrow, (like late morning instead of 2am) then maybe mall? then maybe talent show? maybe haha

i honestly have a lot more to say about my day but im lazy as hell and i dont feel like typing it all up so screw it.

I DONT NEED NO LOVE ALL I NEED IS THE DJ~~!

well sorry

Ima make a new blog. This time, PRIVATE.

pieces

despite it all i guess im not completely over it yet. i mean hell, all my trust, my entire view of you shattered.

death

thats it. i thought, i only had a year or two left. ill let it go.

but no. bitch, ive had enough. fuck you. the time has long gone when i can say i loved you. but for the past 4 years, i can say with truth...i dont love you. they say no matter what, sons love their fathers, but thats some fucking bullshit. i know myself. i know in my heart that at best, your bearable.

this path of defiance im taking...today marks the first time i went so far. every confrontation, no matter how hard i tried to stay up, you always broke me down. but today.

today marked the first day that i didnt back down. that no matter how hard you beat me, i didnt back down.

ive never seen my mom go so hysterical. im sorry mom, i know i promised you last year, that i would let it all slide for you. im sorry mom. i cant. i cant take his bullshit anymore.

i must be crazy. im must be suicidal. becuz ive known you for 16 years, and i know for a fact that i can never win. never. your the one person in this world i cant break. see, i always thought that i was like you. i cried so many nights as a youngster, denying that reality. but about a couple years ago, i reluctantly accepted. thats why i changed my reasons to not take any drugs, into something else. becuz i didnt want to become even more like you. not if i can help it.

but today i realized...that even with all that, no matter how hard i tried, no matter what promises i made to myself...im...im even worse. i had a much better life than you had, and ive never gotten my body altered by drugs, but...i still manage to be just as bad.

im worse than you. and the similarities are striking. you are where i get my strength from. see, the strength i learned from you...you never taught me. you did it inadvertantly.

see this kind of strength, you only learn from getting broken again and again.

its a wrong kind of strength. its never what i wanted. but, its caught up to you. youve broken me too many times. who knew it would take 16 years for me finally...finally to heal up to the point...that now...i wont take your shit. today, i didnt back down.

but like i said, i cant win. i know i cant. the only path this leads to, is death.

but today is also the first day that i said i wanted to die.

i posted this on tumblr too

i think ima post on tumblr too, but im too lazy to write in two seperate blogs, so ima just post the same thing on both from now on. here is what i posted there:

its been a long time since i posted here. i feel like fucking shit. ive never been this sick for so long in a while. my eyes hurts, throat hurts, head hurts, my entire body is sore. especially 6th period, i couldnt hide it as well. hilary kept tapping me and asking whats wrong, and i told her im perfectly fine im just tired. but she didnt believe me. at all. the whole time, she kept saying "i know youre not okay, i can tell."

then when i try to pass it off, she gives me this look. what can i say to that? what can i honestly say?

later, i was walking around, away from friends, thinking i needed some alone time. then soyoung came and waved, and walked with me, even a little, and you know what...it felt really good. i was wrong, i didnt need alone time. i just needed to talk...even just small talk. she asked if i was okay. i said, yah i am, dont worry about it. i dont think she believed me. sigh.

FUCK man i need to...okay i dont know. i just feel so fucking weak, and i cant do shit about it.

thank you everyone for talking with me today. somewhere deep down, i needed it.

moms story

today, at work, my mom sat me down and told me a story of hers.

When my mom and my dad were engaged, they decided to go to a nightclub, along with some of my mom's friends. My dad didn't know how to dance at all, but my mom was okay with that. She and her girlfriends went on the dancefloor and dance. Then, some guy, kinda big kinda handsome, asked my mom to dance when a certain song came on. My mom respectfully declined, saying she had a fiance. He asked, if he aint dancing, then he wouldnt mind just one dance. My mom once again declined. However, this guy, drunk, kept at it. My moms girlfriends got worried. My mom kept declining, and started to get ticked off. This guy all of a sudden grabs her and tries to kiss her. My mom immediately pushed him away, and even though she was so short comparatively, reached up high and slapped his face. Before the guy had time to respond, my dad came out of nowhere, and grabbed this guys shirt, slammed him into the wall, and threw one punch at his face. He fainted.

My dad was part of a special recon team at the Korean demilitarized zone, and specialized in silent death techniques. He just got out. It was a bad time to fuck with him.

Soon after, my dad went to America to establish a home. He got his greencard, and sent a letter to my mom. Then he came to Korea three days before the wedding, and four days after they married, he went back to America.

They were seperated for 2 and a half years.

In that time my mom was by herself, right after her marriage, many guys chased after her. I've seen pictures of my mom when she was younger. I have to honestly say, she was one pretty girl.

These guys kept asking her, since her husband was away, just asked for one night...

My mom always declined, and when sometimes these guys got desperate and started getting grabby, my mom said her signature technique was to drive her 3 inch heels into their calf bone. Needless to say, they stopped being grabby.

Then, my dad finally called for my mom, and she went to America to meet my dad once again. A year later, I was born.

I listened to this story, and my heart became wistful. Like i said before, I would be extremely lucky to find a woman like my mother. So strong, so willed, so loyal. the two and a half year seperation would be hard on anyone, but they made it through. Mom, you told me to wait and that Ill find a woman like that. But trust me, I might never be that lucky. You are one of a kind.

All I can be sure of, is that at least...I think that I'll be strong enough. To stay faithful. I know it myself.