im so confused

im so confused. no, its not that. Its not that im confused. Im just...i dont goddam know. one thing about formal is, no matter how people say you can just ask anyone as a friend and a girl can't say no...its like...i know if i asked, id get a yes. but see, i want it to mean something. I don't know what the fuck ive ever done to ever deserve that kind of reaction, but fuck is it too much to ask? probably.

all i know is...my mind is never set on anything for not even 2 days. it goes up and down so much.

i suck ass at doing anything with girls. im experiencing everything for the first time, and its too late, but thats what i am. mr. awkward apparently. idunno, wtf am i supposed to do? i dont know anything. thats why im just doing what i want. and i dont think its working. just know that im not a nice guy, and ive never done anything to impress otherwise.

ive started running last week. just yesterday, i ran my hardest 3 miler so far, with timo and chad. i thought only i had it hard, cuz the pace was pretty strong, and i got a side cramp pretty early on. but later, timo and chad had problems too. i guess were all together in this, and im glad i got some people to run with.

fall play practice, last stretch. im too quiet, stuttered lines, and whatnot. whatever another set of shit i cant do correctly. i have to get it down, and i think i will. the best part about these practices now are the fact that people can chat more, get to know each other basically. like asif said, this is the week that well remember the most about these plays. and i sure have stuff ill never forget.

what happens if...if...fuck. its weird. i feel like these relationships we have sometimes are so conditional. to an extent they are, but see what if the relationship is something a little...more than the average? i wouldnt say it means more to me, or is more important to me, but its something that...would change me if i lost it. well, at least on my end, its not conditional. its weird right? we as kids growing up in this society around us, all these images and slogans bombarding us, and it sets our standards. standards for relationships, beauty, love. from these sitcoms, shows, and movies, we get a sense of what couples do, whats cute, whats romantic.

it might seem a little...planned out when i say this but...really this is just what i feel. at least now. see, ive already known that crushes and love and romance is all irrational. i say this cuz we all have basic universal standards for woman and men, and what they need to look like, and how to act. but goddam it, i like it just the way it is. cuz something...something that cant be seen, touched, or explained...grasps at me. it hold my heart hostage. it makes me, in spite of myself, in spite of friends, in spite of society...it makes me like...sigh. who knew eh?
we as guys can go around, noticing who looks nice that day, or what someone did, and how it was attractive. and hell, its not only truthful, its fun. but something, just something, at the end of the day, brings husbands back to wives, boyfriends to girlfriends. see, its not grounded in the superficial. it transcends, its something more, its something i can only describe as the soul. its not related to personality either. its so hard to explain, but i feel it in perfect essence inside of me.

its all true...at least for now. at least this second. i know it wont last forever, and its a sad thought. but theres only one thing that i know for sure, and its the fact that ill always remember. how i felt. how it was before.

this was a long ass post. i dont even know what i wrote. whatever. today i got offered a cig and weed by some random dood as i was walking to artesia high for the play practice. i told him if i ever wanted to id ask him.

its funny, cuz i was urged to do it by a good friend. coincidence haha. shit, i would, i goddam would tho. fuck theyre all having fun apparently, and its not even a bad thing at all, and what really killed me was that he actually invited me up. apparently he thought i was already chill and have done everything before. it surprised him that i was clean. like, completely clean, not even drinking. and you know? i KNOW id have a fun time, and shit with the invitation and all it made me feel...wanted you know? it felt good.

its not that i regret that i just cant do it, its just that so many good friends are all out having fun with that. and others are going into it too, one by one. its almost like im getting left out.