death

thats it. i thought, i only had a year or two left. ill let it go.

but no. bitch, ive had enough. fuck you. the time has long gone when i can say i loved you. but for the past 4 years, i can say with truth...i dont love you. they say no matter what, sons love their fathers, but thats some fucking bullshit. i know myself. i know in my heart that at best, your bearable.

this path of defiance im taking...today marks the first time i went so far. every confrontation, no matter how hard i tried to stay up, you always broke me down. but today.

today marked the first day that i didnt back down. that no matter how hard you beat me, i didnt back down.

ive never seen my mom go so hysterical. im sorry mom, i know i promised you last year, that i would let it all slide for you. im sorry mom. i cant. i cant take his bullshit anymore.

i must be crazy. im must be suicidal. becuz ive known you for 16 years, and i know for a fact that i can never win. never. your the one person in this world i cant break. see, i always thought that i was like you. i cried so many nights as a youngster, denying that reality. but about a couple years ago, i reluctantly accepted. thats why i changed my reasons to not take any drugs, into something else. becuz i didnt want to become even more like you. not if i can help it.

but today i realized...that even with all that, no matter how hard i tried, no matter what promises i made to myself...im...im even worse. i had a much better life than you had, and ive never gotten my body altered by drugs, but...i still manage to be just as bad.

im worse than you. and the similarities are striking. you are where i get my strength from. see, the strength i learned from you...you never taught me. you did it inadvertantly.

see this kind of strength, you only learn from getting broken again and again.

its a wrong kind of strength. its never what i wanted. but, its caught up to you. youve broken me too many times. who knew it would take 16 years for me finally...finally to heal up to the point...that now...i wont take your shit. today, i didnt back down.

but like i said, i cant win. i know i cant. the only path this leads to, is death.

but today is also the first day that i said i wanted to die.