zune=cool

i love my zune. so cool. hmm i forgot what i was thinking about....oh i remember.

this really doesnt have to do with anything personal. just gotta right down some of my wonderin's.
is it really possible to be just friends, after an especially deep relationship? just the fact that youve been there, done that, its like...something would change. in a permanent way. now youve become attached in a physical and an emotional level, fusing together to become just pure attraction. once those cables are linked, now, you dont WANT them, you NEED them. suddenly, this one person has become an irrevocably huge part of your life.

and if it breaks off, then...they take a part of you with them. its never a clean break after a truly deep relationship. sure, the degree and severity of the break-up can vary, whether they had a rough ending or just fell apart or grew apart, you end up weaker than you first started with.

but, you would learn from it. everything that you guys have done together didnt go to waste, because it becomes a part of your life experience. to use an analogy, as i said before, you end up weaker than you first started. but, like broken muscle tissue, once it heals, itll become bigger and stronger. eventually, youll get over the pain, and become a better, wiser person because of it.

but youll never forget, not if it was truly something meaningful. from the very first day you noticed that certain something about that person, to the initial awkward start, to getting friendlier, to the very beginnings of emotional connections. one by one, the pieces started to click, and eventually became something to each other that no one could replace, at least at the time. at least, i would hope i would never forget.

whats the point? the message is basically...to have loved and lost is better to have not loved at all. no matter what the pain in the end, if it comes, you will never forget the feelings, the emotions, the laughter, the touch, the kiss, the first time. and all the little things and quirks in between.

cuz if you know the end is inevitable, it makes you a bit reluctant to go in. what if you dont come out the same? making reference to the beginning of this blog, what if you just cant be friends again?

well, to me at least, i think its worth it. i think its worth the closeness, the exciting journey that you can experience, the opportunity to do things youve never done before.

whatever the end, ill never forget the beginning. ill never forget what i felt, what i did. keep the prospect of permanence out of it. enjoy what you have at the moment. and if the situation is all right, and your both ready, dont drop the oppotunity, dont let it go. one day, i feel that ill regret it if i don't.

fuck the consequences of holding those hands, holding each other close. if everything that i do will make it that much more painful in the end, oh well. if its for love, its worth it.

i guess today is a triple post day

"theres no one to talk to when i need it most. funny how that happens. i have to deal with it, but i dont wanna. cuz its hurts inside. but what can i do?"
-thats what i put up on my aim info.

to add to that: aaron. shut up. youve been through worse before. actually you havent. this is getting to another level. but hell. youve always survived. and by yourself too. theres no need to break down now. you dont need a shoulder, you dont need a pillow to rest on, you dont need any of that. stand up straight. like you always have. steady your voice, chin up. look at the opposition straight in the eye, and smirk. and whatever it takes, pull through. cuz youve never needed anyone else, and whats to change now? cuz for this, no one CAN help. so dont bother them with your bullshit. dont even hint at it. dont even go there. youve broken down once, hard. and a second time, slightly. lets not make it a third time yah?

done.

we told them finally. haha. you know, i honestly thought it would only last like a couple days. but it dragged onnnnnn haha and almost a little too far. it was funny while it lasted tho.

yah it was fun.

playplayplay

i realized i didnt mention the fall play at all in my blogs LOL but yah i was in it. fun stuff.

if i learned anything, i learned that in acting, its not enough to understand what emotion to portray. you have to have felt that emotion before to truly understand it. and its not as black and white as anger and happiness. its the subtle gray areas, slight difference that make a christmas-morning happy and a having-the-last-slice happy different. in other words, to truly pull off a convincing act, you must have had the same exact feelings before. how true is that.

nananana~

recently i talked with matt, robert, and john. we all know what its like to get our asses beat HAHA fun shit talking about it. i realized that, no matter what the severity of your home life and whatnot is, you cant say youve suffered more than others. cuz see, the feelings are the same. the same pit of the stomach feeling. we all feel sadness, pain, misery, anger.

i wont get into this blabla moving on

i realized it pisses me off when girls dont eat. just cuz....guess it....they are fat.
jesus christ. like...it used to worry me, but now its just im mad. you dont even know how to take care of yourself. you refuse to. all for the fucking reason that youll gain weight. its incomprehensible how infinitesimal of a shit i give about that. just fucking eat. just eat. no goddam excuse.

______________________________________________________________________
btw i really cant remember much about that convo. i kinda vaguely remember the basic things, but i cannot recall anything specific i said or i heard. i can just recall some of the emotions.

i am trippin out.

thanksgiving

went to my uncles house this morning for thanksgiving breakfast haha. slept for 4 hours, then ate thanksgiving lunch there too LOL and came back. good times.

i dont meet my cousins much but seriously after looking at the old photos on there walls...
weve been together for a long time now. were all first generation kids you know. whatever we do, make of ourselves, will establish our family in america.

played with my lil nephew today. 2 years old joseph haha. im not that good with kids but seems like i started to have more fun as i got sleepier -_- wtf.

saved up enough money for my zune hd. getting it tomorrow.

what im thankful for? ill just name one thing. friends. my friends. thank you all. they say blood runs thicker than water, then i say my friends are my blood too. my brothers.

cuz see, i know family comes first, but if i cant always you know...go to my parents for solace you know. then i look forward to school and seeing my friends. its always either a laugh, deep talk, or just a nod.

ive never ever had a single best friend. theres always been too many. ups and downs, whatever you guys do, the friendship can never be easily broken. you guys all have problems and stress these days, and ill make do like you and keep strong for your sake.

yet another round of griping.

godam im not done. this will be quick i promise.

sometimes i feel like im doing sumthing wrong. what the hell am i thinking, i am doing something wrong. for a while, i was naive enough to think its all for the sake of teasing, playing, and good nature. but i realized the extent of your reactions is too severe for just a simple frustration problem.

im gunna back off.